【Top 23】Joan Rivers Quotes

Collection of Joan Rivers Quotes at CollectiveQuotes.

Joan Rivers Quotes
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1.    The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.    —   Joan Rivers
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2.    My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.    —   Joan Rivers
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3.    I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.    —   Joan Rivers
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4.    Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.    —   Joan Rivers
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5.    The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.    —   Joan Rivers
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6.    Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.    —   Joan Rivers
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7.    I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.    —   Joan Rivers
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8.    I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.    —   Joan Rivers
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9.    If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.    —   Joan Rivers
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10.    Never floss with a stranger.    —   Joan Rivers
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11.    Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.    —   Joan Rivers
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12.    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.    —   Joan Rivers
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13.    I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.    —   Joan Rivers
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14.    Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.    —   Joan Rivers
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15.    I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.    —   Joan Rivers
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16.    Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.    —   Joan Rivers
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17.    I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.    —   Joan Rivers
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18.    People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.    —   Joan Rivers
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19.    Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.    —   Joan Rivers
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20.    I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.    —   Joan Rivers
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21.    Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.    —   Joan Rivers
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22.    She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.    —   Joan Rivers
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23.    What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.    —   Joan Rivers
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