Explore Steven Wright Quotes at CollectiveQuotes.
1. How young can you die of old age? — Steven Wright
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2. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ — Steven Wright
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3. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. — Steven Wright
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4. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. — Steven Wright
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5. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. — Steven Wright
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6. I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy. — Steven Wright
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7. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out. — Steven Wright
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8. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright
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9. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. — Steven Wright
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10. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. — Steven Wright
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11. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright
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12. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. — Steven Wright
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13. What’s another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright
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14. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. — Steven Wright
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15. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. — Steven Wright
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16. I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. — Steven Wright
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17. If God dropped acid, would he see people? — Steven Wright
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18. I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. — Steven Wright
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19. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ — Steven Wright
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20. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright
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21. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. — Steven Wright
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22. Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’ — Steven Wright
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23. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ — Steven Wright
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24. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. — Steven Wright
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25. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere. — Steven Wright
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26. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. — Steven Wright
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27. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright
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28. When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction. — Steven Wright
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29. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright
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30. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Wright
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31. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. — Steven Wright
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32. I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it. — Steven Wright
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33. I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time. — Steven Wright
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34. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. — Steven Wright
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